By noon time, I feel defeated. I strive each day to wake up and start the day new, fresh....no matter how I felt the previous day, or even how much or how little sleep I got the night before. I try to start every day out new. But, sometimes, I don't even make it until 9:00 before the doubts set in. The lies being whispered in my head that I can't do it. That I'm not a good mommy. That they would be better with someone else or taught by someone else. That I'm not patient enough or loving enough. That I am to hard on them, or not hard enough. That I have no balance and what are you doing? What could you give them that they can't get somewhere else....probably get it better. All day long, these lies are being battled out in my mind. I really think that's why I feel so exhausted, because my mind is constantly at war. Sometimes the battle is won, but the war is not over. Will it ever?
Mothering is so hard, but I'm not sure I can put into word why. When I write it down, it seems stupid, silly and ridiculous, but when I face it every day it seems overwhelming.
The latest battle....Homeschool vs conventional schooling.
I've always pretty much assumed I would homeschool, and I think my husband did too. After teaching in the public school system, I really just felt like I didn't want my kids there. The teachers were apathetic, the kids were lazy and the parents weren't any better. I know that private christian schooling is out of the picture, at least where we live. It costs as much as college! Homeschool just seemed like the natural choice.
But, last week, we found out that we can put our 4 year old in free preschool next year for 1/2 a day, 5 days a week. It literally ruined my day. Those "your a failure" "others can do better" lies ran rampant in my head.
Now, I sit and think and struggle and fight through this question. I see pros and cons of both keeping her home, "homeschooling" her and sending her to preschool. Honestly, the pros of keeping her home FAR FAR outweigh the pros of sending her. But, I feel the pressure of the world to send her. My daughter has not been forced to learn basic things like, sitting still during "circle time" or walking in a straight line, or using an "inside voice". We have, of course, talked about and worked on such things, but it has not been forced upon her. But, those things, the "orderly things" are what she would get at preschool that are more difficult for me to offer here at home. Are they important? Is it really a big deal that when my daughter goes to a story time she wants to lay on her belly with her hands in her head and listen, rather than sit "criss cross applesauce" like a preschool would have her. I don't know about you, but I would be much more comfortable laying on my belly listening.
Yes, a preschool would give her structure and an opportunity to play with others her age and listen to someone besides me....BUT....she does get play dates. She'll probably be at a co-op this year (as long as she stays home with me), she has siblings she learns to share with. Is it really so bad to be home? Does she really HAVE to learn these orderly things right now? Is it really something to do, just because it's Free???
What about God's Word? The preschool does have chapel, but what if they aren't true to His word. What if they teach things differently than we believe? What if they pressure her into "making a decision"?
What if other children do mean things to her, but don't get caught...or, almost worse, what if she does mean things to other kids....and doesn't get caught? There are so many habits that can be quickly picked up from others. At least when I arrange play dates, I am there to discipline and teach. We can talk about what happened, and how it could have been handled differently.
However, if she went to school, then I could spend time with my younger two. Time they have missed out on by having the third around. Would this be more fair to them? Am I really doing anyone a favor by having three children at home and giving them all a little, but non of them everything? What can I give that someone else can't?
The thought of sending her to preschool makes me sick inside. I want to vomit, I really do. Does every mom feel this way? But, then, I have a bad hour and think, yeah, preschool would be great...and then I really think I will get sick of thinking such a thing.
This is how I feel....God entrusted my husband and I with three children. These children, are not a hindrance...they are not. And, shamefully, I look at them like that at times. I know that I do not pour my entire all into my day with them. Sometimes I just want a break, or I'm tired of playing games, or I just don't want to clean up the mess....or that's all I've done all day is clean up messes. But....they have been entrusted to me, I feel, to train, teach and even disciple. Isn't it my job (and of course my husband's too) to teach them? Why would I send them off to school, to let a stranger do what I feel like I'm suppose to be doing? Will they get all the formal, orderly, organizational attention and instruction that other preschoolers get? Maybe not.
But, I hope they would get much more. My hope is that the life I live out in front of them will teach them. My hope is that my discipline and instruction will teach them. My hope is to teach them how to live, and by teaching them how to live, they will learn the other things too. It seems to me that it is more important to teach my kids about God's word, to help them have a relationship with God, to train the in righteousness than anything else. Yes, they will learn how to read, yes they will learn about science and literature and mathematics, but all with a Biblical worldview.....not the lies our culture leads us to think is true. That's why I feel like I need to homeschool. That's why I feel like I need her home with me. Yes, to protect her, but more so....to teach her to think and act Biblically, no other way.
(emphasis mine)
The fear of the LORD is the
beginning of knowledge;
Fools despise wisdom and
instruction.
Hear, my son, your father's instruction
And do not forsake your mother's teaching;
Indeed, they are a graceful wreath
to your head
And ornaments about your neck.
Pr. 1:7-9
Hear, O sons, the instruction of a
father,
And give attention that you may gain understanding,
For I give you sound teaching;
Do not abandon my instruction.
When I was a son to my father,
Tender and the only son in the
sight of my mother,
Then he taught me and said to me,
"Let your heart hold fast my words;
Keep my commandments and live;
Acquire wisdom! Acquire
understanding!
Do not forget nor turn away from
the words of my mouth.
Do not forsake her, and she will
guard you;
Love her, and she will watch over
you.
The beginning of wisdom is:
Acquire widsom;
And with all your acquiring, get
understanding.
Prize her, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace
her.
She will place on your head a
garland of grace;
She will present you with a crown
of beauty.
Hear, my son, and accept my
sayings
And the years of your life will be
many.
I have directed you in the way of
wisdom;
I have led you in upright paths.
When you walk, your steps will
not be impeded;
And if you run,you will not
stumble.
Take hold of instruction; do not let go.
Guard her, for she is your life.
Pr. 4:1-13
My son, give attention to my words;
Incline your ear to my sayings.
Do not let them depart from your sight;
Keep them in the midst of your heart.
For they are life to those who find them
And health to all their body.
Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.
Pr. 4:20-23
Yes, even if my children go to conventional school, we can still teach them God's word. But, I fear we would be in an even greater battle for their mind and hearts! Doesn't it sound like God trusted this father to teach his son. It seems to me he would ask the same of us.
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