New Year, same goals

So, I've been at this working out thing for almost a month.  As of yesterday, I still am +2 lbs.  Everyone keeps telling me not to go by my weight, and  I understand that....except, I want to loose weight.  I feel like I have a pretty good routine in the fitness center at the Y.  I am doing a lot of strength training, so now I need to incorporate cardio.  My goal is to run at least 1 mile each day I am at the gym.  I'm a slow runner, but maybe I can work myself up. 

I went to kickboxing yesterday and my torso and arms are very sore.  OK, my legs are sore too.  The class was pretty good, except for the yoga at the end. I don't know why she did that...it's kickboxing.  If I wanted yoga I would go to the next class.  I think I'll try it again next week.

Last night, I watch portions of The Biggest Loser.  It is an inspiring show that is making a difference in people's lives.  Although I have ZERO motivation to ever run a marathon, or a half marathon...I would like to do a triathalon.  They showed some former BL contestant doing both.  I would like my husband to do it with me, but I think he thinks it would be boring or he doesn't need to train or work for it.  Maybe he'll sign up with me anyway. 

So far, I have not reached my December goal, so I guess I need to modify them.  My goal is to loose 5 lbs by the end of January (ok, now it's 7 because I gained 2).  Then, 5 more by the end of February, 5 more by the end of March, and the last 5 by the end of April.  If I can stop eating cookies...this may be accomplished.  Lots of hard work ahead for me. 

Exercise...Week 2

I'm a little bummed out and discouraged.  I have worked really hard this past week. I've gone to the gym every day I could...and I've gained 2 lbs. Weird.  However, everyone kept saying today that this was normal.  It makes me want to quit...but, I won't.  However, now I am way behind in my goals.  Now, I have to loose 7 pounds by the end of the month! haha....that won't happen I don't think.  Maybe if I can just end up where I started...maybe that will be "good enough" for the Christmas season.

I did 2 spinning classes.  One I really liked, and the other I thought I liked...until I went to the "other" one.  I'll keep going.  I have to learn to "visualize" the ride.  Something that is really hard for me.  You basically "map out" the ride you want to go on and you pedal to the music and push yourself to finish. 

I've really been enjoying a circuit training group class.  This class includes "core" work along with rotating through the gym using different equipment, weights, balls and resistance.  I feel like I'm getting a good work out.  I've done a few other classes here and there as well as just spent one day in the gym running and lifting weights alone. 

Here's hoping I have better results Next week!

Exercise Routine...Day 1

Today was the day...is the day...I started my new exercise routine.  I am so excited that we got a membership to the YMCA.  Until a couple of weeks ago, I didn't know a little secret....if you get a family membership at the Y, Child-watch...while you work out...is FREE.  FREE....Read that word nice and slow!  Most gyms charge $2-$5/child/day for  babysitting service.  At those rates, there was no way I would ever go work out. 

But, finally....we have found something that I think will work.  I am really excited about all of the classes that the Y has to offer.  Everything form Yoga (not for me) and Pilates (also not for me) to step aerobics, Zumba, kickboxing and spinning.  There is even a crazy fit class that includes things like flipping tractor tires for the guys outside. 

Today I went to spinning class.  It was my first spinning class ever.  I knew it would be hard, and I expected a feeling of throwing up to come at some point...both happened (although I didn't actually throw up...I was very close to it).  The sad part was....I was totally showed up by the other three ladies in the class...Two were certainly over 50, and one told me she was 70 years old!  She kicked butt!  She had been spinning for three years.  Certainly if she can do it...I can too...eventually.  My legs were shaking, my gluteus maximus hurt, and I barely even did everything the instructor was asking of us.  I hope as the weeks go on, I will get better at it. 

Tomorrow I am planning on doing a circuit training class in the weight room.  I'm not sure how this class will run, or how many people will be in it.  The Y I am going to is pretty small...which I really like.  I'm not embarrassed by people and there aren't gawkers.  I felt comfortable. 

Anyway...I am very excited about working out.  Yes, I want to loose weight...yes I want to tone up...but even more than that, I just want to feel good about how I feel.  Right now...well, I don't even want to say how my feel, I know my husband doesn't like to hear me talk like that.  I have high hopes for the next few months.

So, my stats and my goals.
Today, December 9, 2010....
I weighed 147.2 pounds.


My goals:
By December 31, I want to loose 5 lbs and be at 142 lbs
By January 31, I want to loose 5 more lbs and be at 137 lbs
By February 28, I want to loose 5 more lbs and be at 132lbs....
and, if I dare to dream, by March 31, I would loose 5 more lbs and be at 127lbs....Then I would stop

Not stop exercising...but I would stop trying to loose weight.  I would probably back off an every day of the week schedule and drop to 3 times a week.

So, is it unreasonable to have a goal of loosing 15 lbs in 3 months?  I don't think it is...but maybe?!?  I don't know.  My goals are to go to class every day M-F, except for MOPS Thursdays.  My daughter's school starts back in January.  I won't be able to go that morning...but maybe that afternoon? 

I will report results at least at the end of each month.

Contentment

Recently, while on a trip up north, my husband and I met a mennonite family.  Their vehicle had broken down on the side of the road, and they were waiting for someone to pick them up.  The woman approached me and we had a conversation about family and about the Lord.  She so freely talked about Jesus....I stuttered.  I knew she was a mennonite, she had no idea I was a Chrisitian.  After our conversation I wondered what I could have said differently to convince her that I was saved, although it is not her I am to convince.  Either way, I realized how little my light shines, and how clumsy my words become when I speak to someone else about he Lord...specifically Jesus.  From that meeting, which I don't believe was chance, I am trying to be more bold...but I'm a afraid.

Eventually, the man walked up and began talking to my husband.  Somehow, my husband mentioned that we are hoping to change our lives soon.  We have a desire to move to a "simpler" place.  We want to live in a small, teeny town, own lots of land and farm.  We want to work as a family and not be running from place to place.  We don't want to be under the watchful eyes of others....family, employers, customers.  We want to rise early and work, instill a hard work ethic in our children and limit their access to abundant worldliness.  We want to be Amish....ok, not really, but sometimes it does cross my mind:)  Mennonite maybe? haha.  I'm being silly.  Back to my point.

As the many listened to my husband, he said "Godliness with contentment is great gain". 

Since then...that portion of scripture has been stuck in my head.  I have pondered what Paul meant when he said that.  I have wondered what the man meant.  I have worked to figure it into my own life.

Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6)

I think what he was trying to say was...are you content where you are right now?  If not, you will not be content where you want to go.  It is more important, more honorable to be godly.  And, even more so to be godly AND content.  If I am living my life restless, uneasy....wishing for it to be different, thinking throughout the day how to change it to that quiet life I want, I am not content.  The Bible talks a lot about contentment.  Paul reminds us in Philippians that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances, both in want and in abundance.  Contentment is not something that can be obtained by things...if "things" make you content, then you are not really content.  The only way to be truly content is to fully trust in the Lord.  To allow HIM to be your sufficiency.  If you need something to change to be content, then it will not bring contentment, it will bring more want. 

Learn to be content whatever the circumstances....pursue Godliness and I believe contentment will follow.  Be Godly.  Be Christ-like.  You can do that anywhere.  In a big city, in your home, on a farm, in jail.  Then...and I think only then....can you be content. 

The goal of the godly mother, is that her children in the flesh--may be God's children in the spirit. A mother should be more careful of her children's pious breeding--than she should be fearful of her children's worldly bearing.
-William Secker, "The Wedding Ring" 1658
Taken from Gracegems.org

Daily I think about my children's spiritual lives.  I wonder if there is such a thing as "age of accountability".  What would happen if they died young?  When do I know when they are saved?  Am I simply raising "good", "moral" people who know all the right answers?  How do I cultivate a love for the Lord?  When will I see conviction of sin?  Should I back off of Bible memorization and teaching, because all ready at age 4 she knows the "right" answers.  Am I giving them head knowledge and not spiritual knowledge?

I liked the quote I posted above for a few reason. I loved the idea that my goal is that my children in the flesh....would be God's children in spirit.  I often pray that God would adopt them into his family so that they may be co-heirs with Christ.  

I love the second repentance because it is something I struggle with...being fearful of the world.  I don't want them to go to school because I don't want them to see and hear all the world has to offer.  Am I not trusting in the POWER of the Gospel?  I should be more concerned about their spiritual breeding than that they would be lured by the world.  I was reading Gospel Centered Parenting the other day and it said something similar....why would I think that the world would be seen more beautiful than the Gospel?  Do I believe (wrongly) that The Gospel is not exciting enough to compete with the world?

Trust God. Trust His Word. Continue to teach Your Children the Great Truths of the Bible...and almost more importantly...live a life that would draw them towards God...not contradict everything I teach them and push them away.

Oh Lord, please save my children.  They are sinners.  They are depraved.  They NEED you.  Please adopt them into your family as sons and daughters.  Lord, I ask for wisdom and grace as I teach and train them daily.  I Need it.  I can not do it without you.  

The Utter Ruin and Spiritual Death of Your Children

Parents! Your children are as surely as grown-up people, "dead in trespasses and sins!" May no parent fail fully to realize the spiritual state in which all human beings are naturally found. Unless you have a very clear sense of the utter ruin and spiritual death of your children, you will be incapable of being made a blessing to them. Go to them, I beg you, not as to 'sleepers' whom you can by your own power awaken from their slumber—but as to 'spiritual corpses' who can only be quickened by a  divine power!

If you think that your child is 'not really depraved', if you indulge foolish notions about the 'innocence of childhood', it should not surprise you if you remain barren and unfruitful.

If you would bring spiritual life to your child—you must most vividly realize that child's state. It is dead, dead! God will have you feel that your child is dead in trespasses and sins—as you once were. God would have you come into contact with that death by painful, crushing, humbling sympathy. If you would raise your dead child to spiritual life—you must feel the chill and horror of your child's death yourself. You must have, more or less, a distinct sense of the dreadful wrath of God, and of the terrors of the judgment to come. Depend upon it, when the spiritual death of your children alarms and overwhelms you—then it is that God is about to bless you!

-Charles Spurgeon (Christian Training of Children)
Taken from gracegems.org

What can I give?

Most days, I feel like a failure.  Usually not the whole day, but at least through portions of it.  I feel like my kids are running me, rather than me running them.  I bend under the pressure of constant noise, whining, questions, crying, fighting, etc.  It all sounds so loud to me.

By noon time, I feel defeated.  I strive each day to wake up and start the day new, fresh....no matter how I felt the previous day, or even how much or how little sleep I got the night before.  I try to start every day out new.  But, sometimes, I don't even make it until 9:00 before the doubts set in.  The lies being whispered in my head that I can't do it.  That I'm not a good mommy.  That they would be better with someone else or taught by someone else.  That I'm not patient enough or loving enough.  That I am to hard on them, or not hard enough.  That I have no balance and what are you doing? What could you give them that they can't get somewhere else....probably get it better.  All day long, these lies are being battled out in my mind.  I really think that's why I feel so exhausted, because my mind is constantly at war.  Sometimes the battle is won, but the war is not over.  Will it ever?

Mothering is so hard, but I'm not sure I can put into word why.  When I write it down, it seems stupid, silly and ridiculous, but when I face it every day it seems overwhelming. 

The latest battle....Homeschool vs conventional schooling.

I've always pretty much assumed I would homeschool, and I think my husband did too.  After teaching in the public school system, I really just felt like I didn't want my kids there.  The teachers were apathetic, the kids were lazy and the parents weren't any better.  I know that private christian schooling is out of the picture, at least where we live.  It costs as much as college!  Homeschool just seemed like the natural choice.

But, last week, we found out that we can put our 4 year old in free preschool next year for 1/2 a day, 5 days a week.  It literally ruined my day.  Those "your a failure" "others can do better" lies ran rampant in my head.

Now, I sit and think and struggle and fight through this question.  I see pros and cons of both keeping her home, "homeschooling" her and sending her to preschool.  Honestly, the pros of keeping her home FAR FAR outweigh the pros of sending her.  But, I feel the pressure of the world to send her.  My daughter has not been forced to learn basic things like, sitting still during "circle time" or walking in a straight line, or using an "inside voice".  We have, of course, talked about and worked on such things, but it has not been forced upon her.  But, those things, the "orderly things" are what she would get at preschool that are more difficult for me to offer here at home.  Are they important?  Is it really a big deal that when my daughter goes to a story time she wants to lay on her belly with her hands in her head and listen, rather than sit "criss cross applesauce" like a preschool would have her.  I don't know about you, but I would be much more comfortable laying on my belly listening.

Yes, a preschool would give her structure and an opportunity to play with others her age and listen to someone besides me....BUT....she does get play dates.  She'll probably be at a  co-op this year (as long as she stays home with me), she has siblings she learns to share with.  Is it really so bad to be home?  Does she really HAVE to learn these orderly things right now?  Is it really something to do, just because it's Free???

What about God's Word?  The preschool does have chapel, but what if they aren't true to His word.  What if they teach things differently than we believe?  What if they pressure her into "making a decision"?

What if other children do mean things to her, but don't get caught...or, almost worse, what if she does mean things to other kids....and doesn't get caught?  There are so many habits that can be quickly picked up from others.  At least when I arrange play dates, I am there to discipline and teach.  We can talk about what happened, and how it could have been handled differently.

However, if she went to school, then I could spend time with my younger two.  Time they have missed out on by having the third around.  Would this be more fair to them?  Am I really doing anyone a favor by having three children at home and giving them all a little, but non of them everything?  What can I give that someone else can't?

The thought of sending her to preschool makes me sick inside.  I want to vomit, I really do.  Does every mom feel this way?  But, then, I have a bad hour and think, yeah, preschool would be great...and then I really think I will get sick of thinking such a thing.

This is how I feel....God entrusted my husband and I with three children.  These children, are not a hindrance...they are not.  And, shamefully, I look at them like that at times.  I know that I do not pour my entire all into my day with them.  Sometimes I just want a break, or I'm tired of playing games, or I just don't want to clean up the mess....or that's all I've done all day is clean up messes.  But....they have been entrusted to me, I feel, to train, teach and even disciple.  Isn't it my job (and of course my husband's too) to teach them?  Why would I send them off to school, to let a stranger do what I feel like I'm suppose to be doing?  Will they get all the formal, orderly, organizational attention and instruction that other preschoolers get?  Maybe not.

But, I hope they would get much more. My hope is that the life I live out in front of them will teach them.  My hope is that my discipline and instruction will teach them.  My hope is to teach them how to live, and by teaching them how to live, they will learn the other things too.  It seems to me that it is more important to teach my kids about God's word, to help them have a relationship with God, to train the in righteousness than anything else.  Yes, they will learn how to read, yes they will learn about science and literature and mathematics, but all with a Biblical worldview.....not the lies our culture leads us to think is true.  That's why I feel like I need to homeschool.  That's why I feel like I need her home with me.  Yes, to protect her, but more so....to teach her to think and act Biblically, no other way.

(emphasis mine)

The fear of the LORD is the 

beginning of knowledge;

Fools despise wisdom and

instruction.

Hear, my son, your father's instruction

And do not forsake your mother's teaching;

Indeed, they are a graceful wreath

to your head

And ornaments about your neck.

Pr. 1:7-9

Hear, O sons, the instruction of a

father,

And give attention that you may gain understanding,

For I give you sound teaching;

Do not abandon my instruction.

When I was a son to my father,

Tender and the only son in the 

sight of my mother,

Then he taught me and said to me,

"Let your heart hold fast my words;

Keep my commandments and live;

Acquire wisdom! Acquire 

understanding!

Do not forget nor turn away from 

the words of my mouth.

Do not forsake her, and she will

guard you;

Love her, and she will watch over 

you.

The beginning of wisdom is:

Acquire widsom;

And with all your acquiring, get 

understanding.

Prize her, and she will exalt you;

She will honor you if you embrace 

her.

She will place on your head a 

garland of grace;

She will present you with a crown 

of beauty.

Hear, my son, and accept my

sayings

And the years of your life will be 

many.

I have directed you in the way of

wisdom;

I have led you in upright paths.

When you walk, your steps will

not be impeded;

And if you run,you will not

stumble.

Take hold of instruction; do not let go.

Guard her, for she is your life.

Pr. 4:1-13

My son, give attention to my words;

Incline your ear to my sayings.

Do not let them depart from your sight;

Keep them in the midst of your heart.

For they are life to those who find them

And health to all their body.

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life. 

Pr. 4:20-23

Yes, even if my children go to conventional school, we can still teach them God's word.  But, I fear we would be in an even greater battle for their mind and hearts!  Doesn't it sound like God trusted this father to teach his son.  It seems to me he would ask the same of us.